I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
