Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
