some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
