Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Two words: nipple clamps
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