I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
