i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
