You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
