Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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