Only a mothe r could love this liver
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
