I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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