I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
