i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
