he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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