I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My balls are so social today.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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