I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
