Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
