you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
