I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
