3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
