I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
