all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
