You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
