Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
