I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
