I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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