This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
