I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
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