the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
