I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
tell me about the eggs
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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