All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
