im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize