BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
