last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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