i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
