Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
