I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
