hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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