I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
