Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
