I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize