i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
