went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
