I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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