i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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