It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
