girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
