I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Randomize