im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
