That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
