i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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