apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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