Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
