3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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