Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
