god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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