He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just invented taco cereal.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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