The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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