Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
As shirtless as possible
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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