I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
